Just got back from my cousins place.
After a long talk with her about the rest of my cousins and siblings, I can’t help but feeling if I am ever normal. Normal as in a typical teenager. Sure I like Hollywood, and I have a crazy obsession with SM;s books and movies. I’m worried about being a teenager where I should be going around town, constantly hang out with friends and go shopping, flirt with the cute guys. I should know my way around these kind of stuff. Unfortunately, I now feel like I’m missing so much and the worst part is that I’ll be 20 next year.
FRom what all my cousins have described their lives that doesn’t include family, I can’t help but feel these are the kind of stuff that ‘m don’t do very often. Especially that now I am of that age where I should be more like them. Some are even younger than me and yet I’m feel inadequate in knowing these things.
Yea, I do feel proud that I am different in many areas with people that is around my age group. But is this normal? I’m worried that it is definitely going to cause on how I’m going to face the world later on without many people to rely on. I am going to be independent one day.
Am I afraid to face all of this? Am I not ready? But I am so old already. Why can’t I not do this?
I think I know the reason now. People talk. And to me, that doesn’t sound good. I don’t know why, but I am afraid of this. And also, when it comes to any kind of relationship, I don’t want to ever get hurt. I am afraid of people talking and getting hurt. DAMMMIT!! I am so mad at myself right now.
Now, I am confused. Am I giving excuses to myself? Am I just thinking too much? Or is it just one of these days that I’m just feeling emo while listening to Josh Groban or Shayne Ward? I hate this part.
I need to sort this out. Would talking about this to other people help me? Then again, they’ll judge. I’m afraid they’ll judge. COWARD.
People my age. More than anything. They want people to be accept them. People are judgemental and sensitive. So everyone else would fake.
I hate people who are fakers. Many of them fake, like not being themselves. Fake just for the sake that they’ll be more enjoyable around this people. I like to be genuinely happy with the peopl I am around with. Pretend to be happy so that I don’t have worried about them judging me later on. Why is it so hard to be myslef? Is it because the way the world works? Being so narrow-minded and stereotypical.
I should stop here. I have to much to think already and I wouldn’t want to cause more distress to myself. I need time.