Aishah

July 20, 2009

FUPS

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 12:12 am

I’ve just realised that I’m going to use this blog to vent out any emotion that I’ll experience significantly. Haha.. It’s gonna be a typical emo-teen blog once again. Tsk… tsk… I’ll post up something different one day again. When I do have the mood that is.

I’m having a huge headache now and I’ll be hitting the sack soon. So, I better make this fast.

After this week, I’ve never felt so fat, ugly, poor and stupid before… I’m surrounded with such good-looking friends and i feel like a balloon sometimes, thanks to *you-know-what*. But these things are what I’m proud of, because it makes me feel unique. Apparently, I don’t think that it’ll be a good unique. I have tops that’ll fit me nicely, but when it comes to that area, I’m afraid that they’ll pop out anytime soon. And I keep thinking that I need to lose weight soon. Worse thing is that, I give myself so much excuses. I’m the worse person ever. It doesn’t make me feel better when you come and tell me that you’re think you’re fat, yet I look like a freaking boulder beside you. NOT COOL.

Shit, even thinking of this makes me feel depressed.

Went out with Mom last weekend. Even when we went shopping, I was really hurt when she actually bought something for the sister. I love them both really, but Mom buying something for Kakak, who is already working, actually hurts me. The rest of the night, I was so close to bursting in tears. Kak doesn’t even like to have a converstion with Mom, and here she is making an effort to buy for her something. I was mad. Yet, I try to tell myself that I should stop being a brat and be thankful that Mom could actually afford something. I should treasure that aspect. We’re not very rich, but I think seeing through our family’s income, its miraculous that we made it this far.

This might be the reason why Dad is so stringent about me holding my own card. Kids my age and even those younger are already holding their own. I’m not even sure when will I ever use that magic-card. I feel that my parents are still keeping lots of tabs on me. It doesn’t make me feel any better knowing that I have been lying to them for me to act my age. That is enjoying myself. Sure, I don’t mind the rules, but I wish they were more flexible. I have thought that they should be appreciative of the way I turned out. Its worse knowing that I don’t think just like their elder kids now. Its like once they’re earning on their own, everything else is thrown out the window. I’ll be left to be stuck with the rules, and they still have the reins on me, worried that I’ll step out of the line soon. Can’t they just trust me? I want to spend. Spend wisely, of course. Feel how it is to be responsible of your own expenses. I feel kind of embarrassed, following someone shopping or eating at something costly restaurant or outlet.

Its embarassing to let people to now that me at this age, do not hold my own card and keys and I have a very strict curfew. The ropes are too tight and I hope that it’ll be loosen sometime soon.

Its great to be surrounded by smart people. Even better when these smart people are approachable and not those arrogant ones. I’ve just went to a top universities open house. And man, did I feel stupid. My friend told me that it was all about stereotyping. But what if I’m really that stupid? Will there be a way for me to get to the place I want to be in the future?

So many things that I need to process about. I’m so glad that G301 is finally over. I’ll be going back to IG, seeing that the P just gave up and I’m annoyed that he gave so many excuses for it. Its time for someone to pick up where he left of and no more to be a coward.

Dude, you still need to focus. Avoid making excuses. Don’t pine over a guy, who you’ve been telling yourself that he prefer someone much more than you. Don’t think you’re beautiful because you like staring at yourself in the mirror giving compliments. Its just an ILLUSION~~. Don’t you dare spend on anything.

SHOOT. Now, I sound like an insecure little girl who’s complaining. Am I insecure? Or worried about these matters because of my age? I’m still young, but as compared to my friends, I sound much more mature than most of them. SERIOUSLY, I’m not trying to sound arrogant here.

SEE. That’s what you get when you just think too much all by yourself. Will it work or just let it be and experience failure and embarrassment?

I have to have a conversation with myself and my life.

Hello, good morning, how you been?

Yesterday left my head kicked in

I never, never thought that I would fall like that

Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I’m learning to breathe, I’m learning to crawl

I’m finding that you, and you alone can break my fall

I’m living again, awake and alive

I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies

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