February 1, 2010

What I say… if I’m gone tomorrow.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 12:35 am

Its about time that I should say that I am very proud of my family. Not in everything they do everyday, but just what they do most of the time.

Dad has worked his butt off. Letting me go off BUT still, the reins are still tight, only if I’m not careful around him. Its a give and take relationship with him. And so am I with everyone else. I’ve been a dumbass several times making both my parents upset. And yes, though it still remains petty, I still wished that they could see it from my POV like I’ve been seeing through theirs.

I’ve reminded myself to get a car for dad once I’ve enough money to provide himself. After all he’s done for me and most probably, what he’s still going to do for me, I hope.

Mum is pretty much a different situation. She can go berserk, no kidding. And I’ve told myself many times because I’m the only kid left she has that she can control of. Mostly because I’m not as independent and assertive as my sister, not as rebellious as my brother till they’ve got no control. And little brother, you’re a good person seen in their eyes and too bad they’re too blind to see those tricks you’ve hidden up in your sleeves, if you know what I mean.

Well my old lady here has always been using the one weapon that has always made me cringe and surrender. GUILT.

Sheesh. This is so unfair. Sometimes I really feel like screaming about them using this against me. Just because they’re older, they’re taking care of me. MAN. Mum does her qualities. Obviously, she has reminded me almost everyday of how hard she work for all of us. I blame it on menopause, I just don’t know how long till this phase lasts. Mum, there’s no need to remind me of how much you’ve done for our family. I already know and understand what you and dad have done and sacrificed for all of us. If you’re going to keep reminding me about this everyday, I’ll take it that you’re not satisfy with your life and the choices you’ve made that has made you ended up here. But I know, you are happy and you love us as much. You just need to blow off your just like everyone else, and sometimes more then you have to.

Mum, I’m going to get you whatever equipment you’re going to need to satisfy you.  Be it another sewing machine, an oven or even a computer. We’ll see. But no offense, I’ll be getting dad’s car as a priority first.

My siblings are a different story to tell. Each of us are so different from one another yet somehow we’re still alike. Because apparently, we come from the same gene pool. I am very proud and happy for all of them. No matter how much they might upset or disappoint me sometimes, I must tell you that it takes time to appreciate them. I don’t like to see too much to recognize the negatives they have because they’ve got so much good to offer. If only they could find their outlet and let people see like what I see in them.

For relieving dad to not worry about your school fees since you were 18. How can I not be proud and jealous at the same time? As long as you don’t rub it in my face, I forever will be proud of you. What more you are working now and even getting married soon. Something that you totally didn’t expect it. You’ve got a lot of opinion and I respect that. Sometimes it seems that even the pettiest things can make you upset and to me sometimes, it just seems irrational. Kakak, you too got to learn to give and take. And yes though you’ve been doing a great job by being on your own, there are still many things that are going to make you mad and be expected more of our parents.

I’ve learned from you that no matter how grown up and independent we’ll be, mom and dad are going to expect a lot from you and we can’t just make an outburst. Yes, its going to seem ridiculous sometimes, but remember you’re still they’re daughter. Their first kid. They want what’s best for you too, although it seems to neglect you because of the 3 of us. You’re going to get your degree and that’s great, still, be careful of your emotions around them. They too, are as sensitive just like we are. That’s where we get the genes from.

Everything that we’ve talked and shared about, has taught me that you are more than what you seem. A lot of new perspective I’ve seen from you. Like you’ve said, you’re careful about the things you share with people, I wish that the things you share with me goes the same with everyone else. They’re still going to judge you no matter what. But hey, at least you’re being yourself and not trying to keep it all in. I love you so much Kakak, and though I’m still holding a grudge against you when you kick me out of the room when you tie the knot (haha), I’ll always have another way of loving you.

Abang, I’ve got to be honest. You’re exactly like your skin condition. We’ll have to peel off your rough layers to see how much sensitive you are. There was a phase when you were somewhat regarded as the black sheep, and I followed the crowd. I was wrong then. I can’t follow what everyone says just because they’re older than me and they think they’ve got more experience then this. But you’re my big brother. And yes, I still hold you account of how much you’ve hurt me both physically and emotionally. It still hurts to see that mum and dad gave you the leeway when you were my age, and I’ve been giving so much tough love lately. We all got these times and yours is a special case.

You’re going to be out of the army soon and going back to soon. I’m very happy for you. We lead very different lives out of our home and its great to see that the 4 of us can still connect with one another. I love you too, though many times, you’ve treated me unfairly. Try not to push it too much cause I might come to my senses one day and lose it all. I’ll still love you then.

You know, you still have time to realise and make up then. I’ll help you out if you need me too because we all know that you’re going to make changes in your life for the better. I’m excited about that for you.

Little incoherent brother. We all admit that’s how it seems when you’re with other people. I really hope that when you get older, you’re going to be more engaging. You’ve done many things that made our parents proud. And sometimes I get upset that they’re not paying attention to me as much as they are to you. I think again, I can only imagine the pressure and we can still see how sad was dad when you had your down fall. But still, baby brother, you’ve got so much more potential. And I’m not exaggerating here but you’re on you’re way to something great one day. There’s a lot of good in you and you deserve anything awesome that’s going to come your way. As annoying and angsty you are sometimes, like normal teenagers, I am very proud of you.

Just like my excuse for the middle chile syndrome, I always think I lack of attention and sometimes I seem childish. Seeing the way or parent treat you in comparison to the way they treat me, I think it seems worlds apart. But then again, I see why they do so. I am doing as much as a good job as you are or sometimes worse or even better. Too bad I’m a girl, and the ropes are all knotted up in my mess. But slowly and surely, I think I’m beginning to see the progress how mum and dad sees me now. I’m really proud of all the accomplishments you’ve achieved and more that has to come. I love you, baby brother.

As for me, I still have a long way to go. I’ll be graduating soon, that’s why I’ve written this so called ‘letter’. I’m going to made changes to my life too for the better. There are still a couple of personality and attitude adjustments I have to make about myself, and also I’d like more perspective in my life to paint a bigger picture for me to see. Hopefully my family will be proud of me then, as I am of them. Each and every one of them.


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