Aishah

February 1, 2010

What I say… if I’m gone tomorrow.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 12:35 am
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Its about time that I should say that I am very proud of my family. Not in everything they do everyday, but just what they do most of the time.

Dad has worked his butt off. Letting me go off BUT still, the reins are still tight, only if I’m not careful around him. Its a give and take relationship with him. And so am I with everyone else. I’ve been a dumbass several times making both my parents upset. And yes, though it still remains petty, I still wished that they could see it from my POV like I’ve been seeing through theirs.

I’ve reminded myself to get a car for dad once I’ve enough money to provide himself. After all he’s done for me and most probably, what he’s still going to do for me, I hope.

Mum is pretty much a different situation. She can go berserk, no kidding. And I’ve told myself many times because I’m the only kid left she has that she can control of. Mostly because I’m not as independent and assertive as my sister, not as rebellious as my brother till they’ve got no control. And little brother, you’re a good person seen in their eyes and too bad they’re too blind to see those tricks you’ve hidden up in your sleeves, if you know what I mean.

Well my old lady here has always been using the one weapon that has always made me cringe and surrender. GUILT.

Sheesh. This is so unfair. Sometimes I really feel like screaming about them using this against me. Just because they’re older, they’re taking care of me. MAN. Mum does her qualities. Obviously, she has reminded me almost everyday of how hard she work for all of us. I blame it on menopause, I just don’t know how long till this phase lasts. Mum, there’s no need to remind me of how much you’ve done for our family. I already know and understand what you and dad have done and sacrificed for all of us. If you’re going to keep reminding me about this everyday, I’ll take it that you’re not satisfy with your life and the choices you’ve made that has made you ended up here. But I know, you are happy and you love us as much. You just need to blow off your just like everyone else, and sometimes more then you have to.

Mum, I’m going to get you whatever equipment you’re going to need to satisfy you.  Be it another sewing machine, an oven or even a computer. We’ll see. But no offense, I’ll be getting dad’s car as a priority first.

My siblings are a different story to tell. Each of us are so different from one another yet somehow we’re still alike. Because apparently, we come from the same gene pool. I am very proud and happy for all of them. No matter how much they might upset or disappoint me sometimes, I must tell you that it takes time to appreciate them. I don’t like to see too much to recognize the negatives they have because they’ve got so much good to offer. If only they could find their outlet and let people see like what I see in them.

For relieving dad to not worry about your school fees since you were 18. How can I not be proud and jealous at the same time? As long as you don’t rub it in my face, I forever will be proud of you. What more you are working now and even getting married soon. Something that you totally didn’t expect it. You’ve got a lot of opinion and I respect that. Sometimes it seems that even the pettiest things can make you upset and to me sometimes, it just seems irrational. Kakak, you too got to learn to give and take. And yes though you’ve been doing a great job by being on your own, there are still many things that are going to make you mad and be expected more of our parents.

I’ve learned from you that no matter how grown up and independent we’ll be, mom and dad are going to expect a lot from you and we can’t just make an outburst. Yes, its going to seem ridiculous sometimes, but remember you’re still they’re daughter. Their first kid. They want what’s best for you too, although it seems to neglect you because of the 3 of us. You’re going to get your degree and that’s great, still, be careful of your emotions around them. They too, are as sensitive just like we are. That’s where we get the genes from.

Everything that we’ve talked and shared about, has taught me that you are more than what you seem. A lot of new perspective I’ve seen from you. Like you’ve said, you’re careful about the things you share with people, I wish that the things you share with me goes the same with everyone else. They’re still going to judge you no matter what. But hey, at least you’re being yourself and not trying to keep it all in. I love you so much Kakak, and though I’m still holding a grudge against you when you kick me out of the room when you tie the knot (haha), I’ll always have another way of loving you.

Abang, I’ve got to be honest. You’re exactly like your skin condition. We’ll have to peel off your rough layers to see how much sensitive you are. There was a phase when you were somewhat regarded as the black sheep, and I followed the crowd. I was wrong then. I can’t follow what everyone says just because they’re older than me and they think they’ve got more experience then this. But you’re my big brother. And yes, I still hold you account of how much you’ve hurt me both physically and emotionally. It still hurts to see that mum and dad gave you the leeway when you were my age, and I’ve been giving so much tough love lately. We all got these times and yours is a special case.

You’re going to be out of the army soon and going back to soon. I’m very happy for you. We lead very different lives out of our home and its great to see that the 4 of us can still connect with one another. I love you too, though many times, you’ve treated me unfairly. Try not to push it too much cause I might come to my senses one day and lose it all. I’ll still love you then.

You know, you still have time to realise and make up then. I’ll help you out if you need me too because we all know that you’re going to make changes in your life for the better. I’m excited about that for you.

Little incoherent brother. We all admit that’s how it seems when you’re with other people. I really hope that when you get older, you’re going to be more engaging. You’ve done many things that made our parents proud. And sometimes I get upset that they’re not paying attention to me as much as they are to you. I think again, I can only imagine the pressure and we can still see how sad was dad when you had your down fall. But still, baby brother, you’ve got so much more potential. And I’m not exaggerating here but you’re on you’re way to something great one day. There’s a lot of good in you and you deserve anything awesome that’s going to come your way. As annoying and angsty you are sometimes, like normal teenagers, I am very proud of you.

Just like my excuse for the middle chile syndrome, I always think I lack of attention and sometimes I seem childish. Seeing the way or parent treat you in comparison to the way they treat me, I think it seems worlds apart. But then again, I see why they do so. I am doing as much as a good job as you are or sometimes worse or even better. Too bad I’m a girl, and the ropes are all knotted up in my mess. But slowly and surely, I think I’m beginning to see the progress how mum and dad sees me now. I’m really proud of all the accomplishments you’ve achieved and more that has to come. I love you, baby brother.

As for me, I still have a long way to go. I’ll be graduating soon, that’s why I’ve written this so called ‘letter’. I’m going to made changes to my life too for the better. There are still a couple of personality and attitude adjustments I have to make about myself, and also I’d like more perspective in my life to paint a bigger picture for me to see. Hopefully my family will be proud of me then, as I am of them. Each and every one of them.

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November 15, 2009

Biting off the hand that feeds you.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 2:12 am
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I’ve long time already decided that I wanted my parents to be close to me. With them being close, I’ll let them know that they can place their trust and faith in me. Not as in close like I’m dependent on them, but close enough for them to know that whatever I’ll be doing would be safe. Its kinda true to get in the good graces of them and with only one slip up, you’ll be made on to the black list once again.

Dad was right. About him giving me an inch, and I’m taking it till a foot. It wasn’t fair to him. What more both my parents are worried since I don’t even have a phone to be contacted too. The phrase ‘I’m very disappointed in you”, are still ringing in my ears. And it hurts. I shouldn’t be complaining because I deserve it. I know they have already given me a chance by allowing the bro to open the door for me and letting me into the house. I was lucky. I was already expecting the worst.

In my mind, I was picturing of my parents being worried at home while I’m out at town with friends not even to bother to make a call to let them know I’ll be home really late. I already had a conscious telling me that I should make my way back soon, and yet i just tuned out my intuition.

For the past few weeks, it was great knowing that dad trusted me and that I had to be careful around him. I was just afraid that I didn’t want to be stuck at the same step 10 years later when I’m not married. I was thinking that maybe they couldn’t bear the idea of me growing up and not needing them anymore. That is what I thought. They still worry about me, but I really want to the next stage that although I return after midnight, I won’t be out doing ludicrous activities.

Here comes the thinking process again, and I’ll have to have a talk with them again and apologise. We’ll need to talk about me growing up and I totally sincerely agree that I’m the idiot here who returned home late and didn’t have the initiative to let my parents know and just let the worry.

I noticed Karma came around fast, as the hangover I had today came instantaneously when my instincts told me that I should go back home. And I ignored them. Hah. Serve me right. With my phone missing, spilled drink, ‘hangover’ and burning so much money this week, I’m the worst person I know of so far.

Its late and my parents had a lot to worried. They’re still pissed and I pray that talking to them tomorrow would help. For them to understand me, I’ll have to understand them first since I’m still under their care.

To Mummy and Daddy, I love you. I’m an a**hole for not letting you guys know I was out late. I was insensitive towards you guys as you remained worried about me. What’s worse is that I gave you guys the chance to doubt you trust and faith in me again. Many times I’ve asked for the better and now it’s going to be difficult to be in your good graces again. I’m very sorry. Especially Daddy, I’m sorry for being a disappointment and I deserve the punishment.  Though it hurts, it is fair.What more I still believe that you think I’m still your girl, who’s innocent. I’m growing up. I’ll be making changes and so will you.

November 7, 2009

That’s what friends are for

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 10:00 am

Backstage my hearts beats faster than ever. Faster than the day knowing that my mom will be coming to see me.  I am soo much more nervous than the day before. Meanwhile….

And here they come…

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

October 31, 2009

Testing, testing…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 5:57 pm

Having a meeting now with Nash and Bessy. Tiger is just beside me and I’m busy wordpressing?

Anyway, we’re discussing on our upcoming events and I’m trying out the poll option on wordpress.

July 20, 2009

FUPS

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 12:12 am

I’ve just realised that I’m going to use this blog to vent out any emotion that I’ll experience significantly. Haha.. It’s gonna be a typical emo-teen blog once again. Tsk… tsk… I’ll post up something different one day again. When I do have the mood that is.

I’m having a huge headache now and I’ll be hitting the sack soon. So, I better make this fast.

After this week, I’ve never felt so fat, ugly, poor and stupid before… I’m surrounded with such good-looking friends and i feel like a balloon sometimes, thanks to *you-know-what*. But these things are what I’m proud of, because it makes me feel unique. Apparently, I don’t think that it’ll be a good unique. I have tops that’ll fit me nicely, but when it comes to that area, I’m afraid that they’ll pop out anytime soon. And I keep thinking that I need to lose weight soon. Worse thing is that, I give myself so much excuses. I’m the worse person ever. It doesn’t make me feel better when you come and tell me that you’re think you’re fat, yet I look like a freaking boulder beside you. NOT COOL.

Shit, even thinking of this makes me feel depressed.

Went out with Mom last weekend. Even when we went shopping, I was really hurt when she actually bought something for the sister. I love them both really, but Mom buying something for Kakak, who is already working, actually hurts me. The rest of the night, I was so close to bursting in tears. Kak doesn’t even like to have a converstion with Mom, and here she is making an effort to buy for her something. I was mad. Yet, I try to tell myself that I should stop being a brat and be thankful that Mom could actually afford something. I should treasure that aspect. We’re not very rich, but I think seeing through our family’s income, its miraculous that we made it this far.

This might be the reason why Dad is so stringent about me holding my own card. Kids my age and even those younger are already holding their own. I’m not even sure when will I ever use that magic-card. I feel that my parents are still keeping lots of tabs on me. It doesn’t make me feel any better knowing that I have been lying to them for me to act my age. That is enjoying myself. Sure, I don’t mind the rules, but I wish they were more flexible. I have thought that they should be appreciative of the way I turned out. Its worse knowing that I don’t think just like their elder kids now. Its like once they’re earning on their own, everything else is thrown out the window. I’ll be left to be stuck with the rules, and they still have the reins on me, worried that I’ll step out of the line soon. Can’t they just trust me? I want to spend. Spend wisely, of course. Feel how it is to be responsible of your own expenses. I feel kind of embarrassed, following someone shopping or eating at something costly restaurant or outlet.

Its embarassing to let people to now that me at this age, do not hold my own card and keys and I have a very strict curfew. The ropes are too tight and I hope that it’ll be loosen sometime soon.

Its great to be surrounded by smart people. Even better when these smart people are approachable and not those arrogant ones. I’ve just went to a top universities open house. And man, did I feel stupid. My friend told me that it was all about stereotyping. But what if I’m really that stupid? Will there be a way for me to get to the place I want to be in the future?

So many things that I need to process about. I’m so glad that G301 is finally over. I’ll be going back to IG, seeing that the P just gave up and I’m annoyed that he gave so many excuses for it. Its time for someone to pick up where he left of and no more to be a coward.

Dude, you still need to focus. Avoid making excuses. Don’t pine over a guy, who you’ve been telling yourself that he prefer someone much more than you. Don’t think you’re beautiful because you like staring at yourself in the mirror giving compliments. Its just an ILLUSION~~. Don’t you dare spend on anything.

SHOOT. Now, I sound like an insecure little girl who’s complaining. Am I insecure? Or worried about these matters because of my age? I’m still young, but as compared to my friends, I sound much more mature than most of them. SERIOUSLY, I’m not trying to sound arrogant here.

SEE. That’s what you get when you just think too much all by yourself. Will it work or just let it be and experience failure and embarrassment?

I have to have a conversation with myself and my life.

Hello, good morning, how you been?

Yesterday left my head kicked in

I never, never thought that I would fall like that

Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I’m learning to breathe, I’m learning to crawl

I’m finding that you, and you alone can break my fall

I’m living again, awake and alive

I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies

June 16, 2009

Should I be Concerned? Or even Worried?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 3:03 pm
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Just got back from my cousins place.

After a long talk with her about the rest of my cousins and siblings, I can’t help but feeling if I am ever normal. Normal as in a typical teenager. Sure I like Hollywood, and I have a crazy obsession with SM;s books and movies. I’m worried about being a teenager where I should be going around town, constantly hang out with friends and go shopping, flirt with the cute guys. I should know my way around these kind of stuff. Unfortunately, I now feel like I’m missing so much and the worst part is that I’ll be 20 next year.

FRom what all my cousins have described their lives that doesn’t include family, I can’t help but feel these are the kind of stuff that ‘m don’t do very often. Especially that now I am of that age where I should be more like them. Some are even younger than me and yet I’m feel inadequate in knowing these things.

Yea, I do feel proud that I am different in many areas with people that is around my age group. But is this normal? I’m worried that it is definitely going to cause on how I’m going to face the world later on without many people to rely on. I am going to be independent one day.

Am I afraid to face all of this? Am I not ready? But I am so old already. Why can’t I not do this?

I think I know the reason now. People talk. And to me, that doesn’t sound good. I don’t know why, but I am afraid of this. And also, when it comes to any kind of relationship, I don’t want to ever get hurt. I am afraid of people talking and getting hurt.  DAMMMIT!! I am so mad at myself right now.

Now, I am confused. Am I giving excuses to myself? Am I just thinking too much? Or is it just one of these days that I’m just feeling emo while listening to Josh Groban or Shayne Ward? I hate this part.

I need to sort this out. Would talking about this to other people help me? Then again, they’ll judge. I’m afraid they’ll judge. COWARD.

People my age. More than anything. They want people to be accept them. People are judgemental and sensitive. So everyone else would fake.

I hate people who are fakers. Many of them fake, like not being themselves. Fake just for the sake that they’ll be more enjoyable around this people. I like to be genuinely happy with the peopl I am around with. Pretend to be happy so that I don’t have worried about them judging me later on. Why is it so hard to be myslef? Is it because the way the world works? Being so narrow-minded and stereotypical.

I should stop here. I have to much to think already and I wouldn’t want to cause more distress to myself. I need time.

May 30, 2009

Out of the Blue…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 8:43 pm
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Usually, I wouldn’t post anything personal. Just needed to get it off my chest.

Even within a family, there are all these back-stabbing going on, the pompous ones, the girly ones and many other stuff. Family just needing to point to someone and then to gossip about them. At the moment now, I do know a couple of gossip going around and though they’re not about me, somehow I am still affected about it. It saddens me that the people you will know throughout your life could act these way.

I earnestly love my family. Even though they will somehow talk about some “stuff” about one another, I can’t help the feeling that I should not be angry at them though the topic in discussion are not about me. Should I be angry, frustrated or ashamed?

We have all heard about blood being thicker than water. And I do think that sometimes it is true to a certain extend. I cannot bear to be angry at anybody in my family. Seriously, what is the use of being at angry with someone, who will always be in your life no matter how much you want to avoid them? I thought that it would be a waste of time. But maybe, I could get angry just a little. There are still more years to come that they’ll most likely do it again.

No matter how much my family would hurt me, I have promised to myself that I will never get irritated, frustrated, ashamed, angry etc… at them. I’ll just treat as part and parcel of life. That’s what my cousin told me. This sounds like I’m being too sensitive. But I think, in a good way sensitive. I’m not trying to be egoistic here, but I guess my family would know what I’m all about.

I just realised that I might be writing a long post. Let me forewarn about this before you go on reading.

Hollywood movies must have brainwashed me. They have given me too many ideas about being a good, conserved family. Unfortunately, I’ve been among these clouds for so long that I have never noticed about whatever else that has been going on around me. Now, I’m worried. Knowing all these “stuff” about your own family.

How I wish that I could tell someone just to let it out of me. But then again, I’ll be worrying about telling the wrong person. What would that person say? What would he be thinking of? How about his reaction?

Man, I’m being way too emo about this. I better stop, before I slip up and some might interpret it which is what I am not trying to convey. *Listening to The Cranberries’ Linger must have made me write and let it all out on this post*

*Just to let you know, when I mean family, not only am I talking about my siblings and parents, but it also includes my relatives. Aunts, uncles, cousins etc, etc…

April 3, 2009

Jaded

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 2:48 am

I am just tired. Year 3 is coming up really soon and my oh my, time really flew…..

Will update another post soon.I think.

September 27, 2008

Melissa Theuriau

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 12:20 pm
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Pretty, isn’t she? Believe it or not, this woman does not only have the beauty. Apparently, she has the brains too. She is actually a news anchor from France. Many has said that she is the most prettiest journalist the world has seen on air . But really, do we need to exaggerate? But yea, I most definitely agree that she’s gorgeous.

There are a couple of YouTube videos that you can check her out. And if you see below, I found an image that compiled photos of her reporting the news. Gotta love the outfits. I didn’t know a News Anchor could dress up like that.

Well, I guess it is possible to have both beauty and brains. Here’s my favourite picture of her.

A shout out to Barracuda for introducing me to this lady. 🙂

July 20, 2008

Windows? Macintosh?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Aishah @ 8:22 am
Tags: , , ,

Yerp. The endless debate on which OS system would be the best. My classmates LOVE to make fun of my MAC. Not until I give them the stink-eye and say that they better watch what their saying or I’ll come after them. Seriously, I don’t mind you complaining about Apple UNLESS you have experienced it yourself. Or else, just shut the gap and I’ll list you a thousand reasons of why I prefer Apple while I’m being hot-headed.

One of my friends cheered me more up with this photo. How ironic. Thanks Bets. 🙂

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